I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
