I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize