So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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