Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
