girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
