yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Is it penis luge time yet?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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