lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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