i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
