I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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