Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Quick, to the slutcave!
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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