i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
