No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
