He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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