so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
