The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
