how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
