I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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