Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
