I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize