whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
