I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
