Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
