I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Holy sore nipples Batman
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
