You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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