Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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