Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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