Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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