Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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