The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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