Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
