I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
