Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
