happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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