I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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