i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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