mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
