Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
