I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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