We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
