I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I have demons in me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
