the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
