counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
