On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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