I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
