Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
