my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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