I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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