i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
