God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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