I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
