Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
