The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
