we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize