Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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