Me. At least after what I've been through.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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