the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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