piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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