tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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