Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm passing your future prison.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
