Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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