God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
