I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
a search helicopter?!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
