She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
