I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
